Friday, August 17, 2007

I have Neurofibromatosis

Neurofibromatosis (NF) is a genetic disorder of the nervous system which causes tumors to form on the nerves anywhere in the body at any time. This progressive disorder affects all races, all ethnic groups and both sexes equally. NF is one of the most common genetic disorders in the United States (one in every 3,000 to 4,000 births).

NF has two genetically distinct forms: NF-1 and NF-2. The effects of NF are unpredictable and have varying manifestations and degrees of severity. There is no known cure for either form of NF, although the genes for both NF-1 and NF-2 have been identified.

NF is an autosomal dominant genetic condition; it is not contagious. Approximately 50% of those affected with neurofibromatosis have a prior family history of NF. The other 50% of cases are the result of spontaneous genetic mutation. If an individual does not have NF, s/he can not pass it on to his/her children.

Joseph Merrick, whose condition was depicted in the play and film, The Elephant Man, is often incorrectly thought to have had neurofibromatosis. Merrick's condition has been identified as Proteus Syndrome, a disorder similar to NF, but unrelated

Courtesy of www.nfinc.org


My story: When I was born there was a weakness in a bone in my left leg, my parents believed it to be broken, I was taken to the doctor, and they found out that I have Neurofibromatosis type one, also known as NF1 (not sure how many test, if any, were done, or how many cast were put on to help heal my leg, or how many doctors I'd seen) I had 5 surgeries before I was two and a half years old. From stories that I've heard, I had pins and rods put in it, bone taken from my right leg and hip to try to fuse the bone, many body casts, my mom tells me that my foot didn't even look like a foot anymore, it looked more like a club, because of all the casts and surgeries, my mother made a very hard decision... to have her baby girls leg amputated. It was that, or go through who knows how many more surgeries. I had two more since then, one was to fix the growing sharpening bone, and another to make a "bridge" and to fix the nerves so they wouldn't be so sensitive. During the last (6 hour surgery) they removed two neurofibromas (benign tumors.) This was the first I heard that I could develop them, I really hadn't done any research on NF, I now know that I can develop them anywhere in/on my body, that I know of I have at least 5, but I have no idea how many I really have, without getting testing done.

I'm the youngest of three children, the only one that has NF, no one in my family has any signs of it, I have 100's of café-au-lait spots, and there isn't anyone else in the family that meets that criteria, thankfully.

Growing up having NF, a fake leg, was really hard, I really didn't see my self as different because of this disorder, but other kids did, I was made fun of a lot as a child, but I stood my ground, in my eyes I wasn't all that different, People would ask about my spots, a lot comment on them being ugly birthmarks (I always had to correct them, because thats not what they are, and I was proud that I knew that, and proud that I could say such a big phrase.) I was always told that I couldn't do this and couldn't do that, my leg didn't limit me that much when I was little, oh and on top of all that I was diabetic! Sucked for me, no chocolate cake! (I'm not anymore, thank goodness, I "grew" out of it, surprised my doctors thats for sure!)

Now it saddens me to say, when I'm not wearing my leg, using crutches to get around, its adults that stare. Sheesh and they tell their children not to stare. My nephews and nieces used to ask me why people were staring, to them it was "normal" I'd just smile and and say "They don't understand" or "they are just curious." sometimes I would throw in a "they weren't taught, it's not nice to stare."

Insomnia...hmm

Well its 10:12 am according to the little clock at the corner of the screen, up early? (funny how I'd actually consider 10 in the morning early lol) But... No! I haven't slept, we usually don't get to bed until 3-4 since Joseph comes home around 1 or so, so the usual time we get up? Him: 1 o'clock or so, so he can get ready for work. Me: when ever I decided to get up which might be at 2:30 or... most of the time later, since I usually don't go to sleep until about 6, 7..... 10 whenever, I'm usually not affected by this lack of sleep, kinda used to it really. I've been this way for a long as I can remember, I've always had poor sleeping habits, I can go days without sleeping, a few weeks ago I got NINE hours total of sleep in a week, ugh I was hating life then, I HATE taking sleeping pills, they make me feel weird, groggy, and they quickly and stop working, or I feel I'm becoming dependent on them, like I can't sleep without them. I take pain pills and muscle relaxers for my back pain, caused by my prothesis not fitting properly, and or aches and pains, most likely because of the same thing, those don't even help me sleep! *sigh* Oh well! I'll live :)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Hang on

She whispers softly into the wind
here I go again letting my self fall,
fall in love again
I opened a door
Into a living hell
A living nightmare
Which I said I’d never do again
Its there I can tell
the sadness that is concealed
You think you should hide
From the pain you feel inside
To lay it away
For no one to
The wounds cannot mend
Keeping them locked inside
(this poem was written sometime in 2003)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

changes in lives

Its funny how quickly your life can change. Its never how you expect it to be. It just seems like yesterday that i wasn't dating anyone and i spent all my time working, sleeping, and playing video games. Then i met Becky i think i knew the first time i talked to her that she was the one i wanted to spend the rest of forever with. when i met Becky I was working 65 hour weeks. I started cutting back on my work load. I had someone more important to be with. I would finnish work about 2:30am on friday night then drive 3 hours to Roosevelt Utah and it was amazing how fast it went. It was like driving home cause she was there. When we got engaged over a year ago it seemed like our wedding day was a lifetime away and then i blinked and here we are two months away. Now I have only alittle time to play my games and i wouldn't change that for anything. Istead of vanquishing video game baddies I am planning for a wedding and trying to save up to buy a house where we can start a family. Life isn't easy i know but its times like this that makes it worth it. I love her with all my heart and will forever.

Monday, August 13, 2007

You see, me.

I wish I could see what you see
when you look into my eyes
you by pass my insecurities
you over look my faults
you tell me them
but you don't reprimand
you see what I don't see
you look at me from the inside out
while I struggle to look from the outside in
fighting to find out who I am
you've known the whole time.

Meant to be forgotten

Some days were better then others
No one realized
What we were putting each other through
Words were said and things were done
That shouldn’t have been
The arguments have now subsided
Things left undecided
Words that should have been untouched,
Were touched much too often
“Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me”
So they say
Broken bones heal
Wounds mend
Bruises disappear
All you have is the story to tell,
Or lock away inside
Words are often not forgotten.

Nothing Matters

It matters not
what we do, what we say
no meaning to you or to I
the hurt will go away
just like it came
in and out of our lives
it will drift
like shadows in the night
it creeps throughout
unwilling to reveal
its true identity
it knows not what it does
what we feel
is how 'he' feeds
does it to survive
not to kill
causes us to die
for it to live
nothing matters

Unknown consequences

Lost time we can't get back
Years spent unaccompanied by you
The days are gone
Of what we could have spent
No laughs, but many tears
Promises dangling in the wind
A phone call or two, now and then
Many times you lied
I am untrusting because of you
Time after time I tried to tell you
How you made me feel
How much you have affected my life,
And how much you still do.
(written July 2004)

How we met

We met sometime in January of 06 on Okcupid.com, he sent me a private message, I took a while to respond so he thought I didn’t want to talk to him. We private messaged on there then we exchanged emails and started chatting on Yahoo Messenger. We talked for a few weeks on there. And he asked if he could call me, and I sent my phone number, that night at 3 am or so he called (he works swing shift so it was when he got home) we talked on the phone for EIGHT hours! The time just flew by. We began talking on the phone pretty much daily, phone bills were quite high. We decided to meet on March 25, 2006 from then on we saw each other every weekend. Until I went to Santa Rosa, California to spend time with and watch my niece and nephew, I arrived on a Tuesday the very next day I found out my grandfather had passed away and I had to come back home. Joseph took off work to come and get me; he bought me flowers (how sweet!!) he drove the two and a half hours back to Roosevelt, the viewing was the next day. I went back to California a week later, Joseph and I continued to talk every day, the longer I was gone, the more I missed home. The more I missed him. We got engaged a few months later, moved in together December 1, 2006, and we're getting married October 12, 2007 at noon in his parent’s back yard with approximately 36 people.